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Old 09-10-2008, 05:15 PM
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Ready for something you aren't expecting, kids?

Addendum: This has been re-edited for coherence, please re-read and hopefully it will make much more sense.



I consider myself full of ideas, whether or not they are actually funny/ good ideas is a completely different story.


One idea I had for myself was creating my own constitution. Unfortuantely, that lasted for about two "amendments" before I stopped caring about it. This was kind of a spontaneous thing so I pretty much added shit as I went along. I kinda took it very seriously at the time and didn't really show anyone except Brad. Well seeing as how I've stopped caring what people think, allow me to present this.




1) If your two best (same-sex) friends hate each other, they probably want to fuck.

[This was based on a conversation that Brad and I had over two of his close friends fighting with each other. I was attempting to make some type of sense of the whole "why friends of friends hate each other" and this was the best I could come up with. Brad and I both thought it was funny, so I think I accomplished what I wanted. ADD and CoS were also feuding incessantly at the time, so I decided to throw them into the picture for shock value.]


It really is true what they say, “Oh just go get a room!” Rivalry is really just the softer term for sexual tension (unless of course its siblings, no human no matter how angry wants to fuck their sister/brother). The problem is (as my colleauge DethMaiden has already informed you all) the vital brain components for sexual desire are missing from the equation. I am the anthethis of a psychological expert, so I cannot delve further into this, but I can predict how it would play out.

Take two friends off the aforementioned Dethmaiden, ADD and ChildrenOfSodom, clearly their elitist/poser name calling is kind of mating call that us men who do not allow such stupidity in to our lives can clearly recognize. Now the next logical question is who will be on the top/bottom? My predicition is that CoS would be on the top. Clearly any man who worships Ronald Reagan (despite being chewed out by PS_85 and Bouville) has a constituion secure enough to know that he does not want a meat thermometer in his pooper.

As for ADD, well anyone who chooses Tool, Arch Enemy, and Opeth over the Rolling Stones, Bob Marley, and Billy Joel clearly has no fucking clue what they want out of life, and spends just a tad too much time experimenting, as opposed to doing so in moderation. Therefore, when CoS declares “I want to be on top!” ADD’s thought’’s will be “Enh, why the hell not?”



2) Sugar should be sweet, not fancy.

Sweets to me, I guess, are associated best with childhood. The fact that I still love ice crea, chocolate chip cookiesm and kiddie type birthday cakes are part of my inner child. So when I look around and see grown ups eating shit like carrot cake, creme broulet, chocolate moose, strawberry chocolate cake ( * 1,000,000 ) I think to myself, "what the fucks wrong with you idiots!"

Which Leonardo Di Vinci came up with the godawful idea of after dinner mint chocolate? “WAAAAHH I DON’T LIKE MINT ON ITS OWN, IT TASTES GROSS!” Then suck your own dick/eat yourself out. and get used to it, because that is exactly what your partners mouth is going to taste like after your end-of-the date-rough-sex kiss you two partake in before nodding off to sleep.

The USA is unquestionably the fattest country on the planet. No questioning that. But you know how they got there? Buy eating raw choclate chip cookie dough, better-creme frosted chocolate cake, and chinese food; Not with creme broulet, canteloupe parfait, and fucking strawberry cheesecake, (I swear if I hit rock bottom, the first thing I am going to do is reanimate and kill the fuckhead who came up with that travesty). Chocolate should only taste like the flavor we came to know it as when we were five (noteable exception, dark, white, or the kind that tasted like those chocolate chips in raw cookie dough) and nothing else. This grown-up desert shit needs to cease!


And that was as far as I got. I was hoping to come with a couple more so I could have a psychologically satisfying number of amendments, but considering how spontaneous these two were, and for me trying to execute more with that same spontaniety, it just would have come off as contrived. So these just kinda sat in my PM box until now and...there ya go!
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Last edited by JRA; 09-10-2008 at 07:34 PM.
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Old 09-10-2008, 05:46 PM
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.... what did I just read?
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Old 09-10-2008, 05:54 PM
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I don't believe in dessert. Who the fuck needs to eat after you just already ate?
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Old 09-10-2008, 05:58 PM
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Old 09-10-2008, 05:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SomewhereInTime72 View Post

I don't believe in dessert. Who the fuck needs to eat after you just already ate?


Holy shit...

I am very happy I threw this thread together if for no other reason to get this epiphany (and no that is not sarcasm).


It has not occured to me until just now the fact that "dessert" is basically the babyboomer parents way of getting children to eat their meals. "i.e. finish your broccoli, or you aren't getting your chocolardiac arrest!"
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I listened to three Babymetal tracks...sounds like Chun Li getting butt-fucked by Andrew W.K. That's not something I ever wanted to hear.
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Last edited by JRA; 09-10-2008 at 07:19 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-10-2008, 07:21 PM
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ChildrenofSodom ChildrenofSodom is offline
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Jesus. I havent fought with Addi in a long time. And I basically hate Ronald Reagan now. You must have wrote that ages ago ( a few years).

But nice analysis. I am usually on top.
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Old 09-10-2008, 07:23 PM
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Ok, so clearly uncut isn't the best approach here, so I went back and annotated a few things to try and give it the comedic impact I was hoping it would have.
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I listened to three Babymetal tracks...sounds like Chun Li getting butt-fucked by Andrew W.K. That's not something I ever wanted to hear.
-El Gordo
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  #8  
Old 09-10-2008, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by ChildrenofSodom View Post
Jesus. I havent fought with Addi in a long time. And I basically hate Ronald Reagan now. You must have wrote that ages ago ( a few years).

But nice analysis. I am usually on top.
Hate Ronald Reagan? NOOOOOO! That completely screws up my formula!


The date of the PM that Brad sent back to me had 2007 in it, so...
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I listened to three Babymetal tracks...sounds like Chun Li getting butt-fucked by Andrew W.K. That's not something I ever wanted to hear.
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  #9  
Old 09-10-2008, 08:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SomewhereInTime72 View Post


I don't believe in dessert. Who the fuck needs to eat after you just already ate?
I am reminded of a really awesome Jim Gaffigan bit:

"Who was the first person that came up with the concept of desert? Two guys just sitting around: "I'm full. Are you full?" "Yeah." "You wanna eat a cake? Great, let's eat until we throw up."
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Old 09-11-2008, 02:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChildrenofSodom View Post
You must have wrote that ages ago
I hope this was intentional, otherwise it's shameful

2) above is lame, by the way. Cheesecake > all other deserts known to man.
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Last edited by ravenheart; 09-11-2008 at 02:58 AM.
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