Rest in peace.
From an interview in October:
Well, to really to tell the truth, the way it's been, I've felt like I've literally been placed under a curse. No, maybe not, since I donīt believe in real curses, but for the last ten years I've really fucking struggled every day to survive. Every day. Without giving out too many personal things (which I am doing here for the most part anyway, I realize), I guess I have to to explain this long absence. Also, I've heard rumours that I should be dead etc, pure bullshit of course, but well can't deny the fact that way too many years I've lived really miserably.
To begin with, I've been living under very bad financial circumstances, since I am not working or having a day job any more. This has mainly been the result of living in constant physical pain for a very long time.
It basically started with a car accident, well over ten years ago, when I had been up to the Abyss studio to talk with Peter Tägtgren and bought some of his old (but still pretty good) studio equipment. I bought his old A-DATs and some other studio gear, since I had the intention of starting up my own little studio. This was around the year 2000 or so. I did run this little studio in the rehearsal place that I had back then, but I had to stop, after about two years, since I could not afford the rent and expenses in the end.
Anyway, what happened the same evening as I drove home from the Abyss studio is that by approximately 23.15, and just being a little more than over an hour by car from my home in Stockholm, I crashed at high speed with a fucking elk. This was in the middle of January, and I thought after driving most of the way home, that I finally was "safe" from driving on the roads where you have wild animals passing. Suddenly, a big elk came up from the right side of the road, and in seconds, crashed into my old Volvo, making it basically trash. It looked like it had been run over by a bulldozer. Incredibly, I survived and the recording equipment didn't get damaged either, since it was in the back seat. However, the car got so damaged that it didn't look like a car anymore. It was a total wreck. Anyway, I made my way out of the car by smashing out the side window, since I could not open any doors or anything. I climbed out of the car wreck, and basically didn't have a fucking scratch, as opposed to this fucking elk which died immediately and was thrown at least 20 meters in the air, behind the car. When I got behind the car and found it dead, drenched in blood and without both of its horns, I felt like I was in a movie. It was completely surreal. I later found one of the horns in the back seat of my, now, destroyed car.
So I just stood there in the middle of nowhere, late in the evening/night, without a car and not knowing how the hell I was going to get home. This was before mobile phones were so common, as well. After a while another car passed me and saw what had happened and helped me to contact a fucking cab that could drive me home, and to call someone with a truck, to carry away the wrecked car from the road. Even though, physically, I didn't get a scratch, I got a pretty bad whiplash injury, which I noticed just got worse and worse, especially after a few days. At the time of the crash I felt nothing though. This incident combined with the fact that I'd been having some back problems, from jobs where I had to carry heavy things, forced me to live in constant pain, and this started my "journey" into painkillerland so to speak. Now, over a decade later, I canīt fucking live without strong painkillers and some other shit that I've been as well addicted to over the years.
So for a whole decade almost, I did not do much, still playing, but not anywhere as much as I "use" to. other than some work with INFERNAL, and some work with Hellspawn. I've spent many years in isolation, because of very strong physical pain.Things are finally better with me now, and I am slowly coming back, and taking up music full time again. However, as it is, I can not function normally without meds.You may know that we have the hardest policy in the world when it comes to giving out pain medication to people (pretty much same as in the US, but worse). Nearly everything is considered a narcotic here. You canīt almost get sleeping pills. Too many people die because of this insane and completely non-scientific policy. It's morals from politicians who have the vision of a completely "drug free society", and that will never be accomplished. This is medication, except for the worst drugs, like heroin and shit; otherwise this really is medication for people. For long periods, I have been denied any help at all. Needless to say, I've been forced to self-medicate, which I normally would never have done. I do not feel any guilt for this though, as I didn't ask for this shit to ever happen and my faith and confidence in the Swedish health authorities/doctors is beyond zero. I want to crush this, and it's one of my goals. This goes as well for the whole Swedish society, as its downfall is getting worse and worse with every month. I am moving out of Sweden the day that I have enough money, that's for sure. It would not bother me one bit if practically every politician (except one, which I am actually supporting) should directly get a bullet in their heads. The nation of Sweden is dead, and the country I grew up with is dead. The crime rates are comparable to those in the US and the immigration is the worst that we have here in Europe. Everything is corrupt. No shit, only the uncomfortable truth.
Apart from all this, I have been forced to live under very extreme circumstances particularly for this year, almost ending up dead several times. I do not have my old apartment anymore. I've been arrested by the police numerous times, being in custody for about a week. I've been placed against my will in a "psychiatric" ward for "detoxification purposes" for some weeks as well (for this painkiller/"drug" addiction.). This was legally wrong since I am no fucking hardcore junkie or so and never will be.. Also been on trial for beating up a social worker, and got my punishment for this some months ago, jail or probation for a year. So, of course, I chose the latter. Also, not too far back, I felt so fucking sick of everything that I nearly finished myself. There was just too many bad incidents in way too little time, so in a moment of feeling really miserable that I swallowed a jar of very toxic pills. This was a deadly dose by all means, but ok, I wimped out at the last minute and called an ambulance. Everything went black from then, basically.
The next day, I woke up in the hospital, having had my stomach pumped and having to drink large amounts activated coal/carbon. I had electric sensors all over my body, as well as a fucking straw/stick in my mouth and throat which restricted my airways, almost choking me to death. This was something far beyond any horror or terror I've ever felt before. I was still heavily sedated so I couldn't speak either. Imagine being choked and not being able to communicate at the same time. That's exactly what happened and it was so horrible I would have chosen death instead of this. After half an hour or so I finally slurred "get this shit out, get this shit out", since I couldn't breathe at all, but they just pushed this thing back in my throat, and it literally felt like being raped and assaulted, this by the hospital staff. I finally got that thing out and could start breathing again and screamed to that hospital team, "Fuck, didn't you understand I was fucking choking to death???" Fucking idiots! I could have died there.
After all of this, life has actually gotten better. Seemed like I had to hit absolute rock bottom to start climbing up again. I am definitely several times better now, although the pain's not very good, but I am finally back to playing a lot of guitar for hours every day, since I am and always will be a guitar freak. I have started a lot of projects that will all result in new record releases. It will be very hard work, but I am coming back. Not much can stop me this time. I am so full of anger that I could kill hundreds of people, but well, I try to focus and put that energy into a full comeback. Hate that word by the way, but that is what shall happen. Too many years have passed by without any purpose at all. I am mad, pissed to the core, that I've had to endure all this, but this makes me even more motivated to get back and kind of take back all that I've lost.
4.5 Antaeus / Demoncy / Volahn