Roommate #1: Keep bitching, please. I love it.
Roommate #2: I'm friends with you and your girlfriend, but when you're together you both make the most annoying person. Also, she IS your girlfriend, not your "fuck buddy." Accept that fact.
People who live above me: Get a fucking hobby because stomping on your floors all the time needs to not be your only one.
My parents: Get a time machine, go back in time and conceive me six days earlier. I want to see High on Fire next Friday.
Bill Gates: Invent a time machine.
3/20 Horrendous Miscreation
3/21 Cardiac Arrest